Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - HauntFun

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 10
Off Topic / Re: Happy birthday, Mothra Stewart!
« on: September 19, 2015, 03:52:07 PM »
Happy birthday!

Customs / Re: resin accesories I did :P
« on: September 15, 2015, 11:44:18 PM »
Awesome beginnings!

There's a blogger who does fashion doll shoes, and has written about some of her techniques.

I have her book as well, it's very informative, though I don't think I'll be doing resin any time soon! Cardboard, beads, and fabric are more my speed.

Off Topic / Etsy Shop opening delay, grieving.
« on: September 15, 2015, 09:01:14 PM »
I've been reading a book—The Grief Recovery Handbook—and it's giving me a useful handhold on the different aspects of grief.

What am I grieving? Well. If you've read the NYT article, "Inside Amazon: Wrestling Big Ideas in a Bruising Workplace," you will have some context.

I worked at Amazon for nearly 11 years (shy 1 month and 20-some days) as a software developer in some of the most difficult of the trenches (Ordering, and then AWS). During that time I experienced many of the incidents mentioned in the article, vicariously and personally. I eventually left because I was told by my manager, when I said I was going to collapse the next day if I didn't get a day off, that I should wait until Friday (due to huge amounts of pressure from the director). I ended up in the emergency room, and started composing my very first two-week notice the day after.

It took me months to recover somewhat physically, and when the NYT article came out, the grief hit me. Suddenly I was no longer in denial about my feelings, could not be in denial anymore. I still can't even say what the grief is—the loss of trust, the financial situation I've found myself in given that my health is so poor still that companies won't take a chance on me, the anger directed inwards that I let myself be duped into sacrificing my health on the altar of a company whose mission I believed in, the lack of support by the company despite my belief in doing right by the customer. There are a lot of reasons for me to grieve, and that grief goes way, way beyond any way I can intellectualize this thing (and believe me, I am not an idiot).

Everyone experiences Amazon on the inside differently. I'm not here to tell people to boycott Amazon, or that my experiences should merit people changing their minds, or even as a cautionary tale. I have zero agenda, because I have no authority to tell people how they should think. And in many ways, what happened to me at Amazon doesn't matter to other people.

I grieve every single day for... what? Lost trust? Lost health? Loss of financial security? So many losses, for so many years? So much unhappiness? All of the above?

Whatever it is, the grief hits me like a steam train every morning. I cry a lot sometimes, and the pain of it all is occasionally almost too much to bear. I engage in a lot of Short-Term Emotional Relief Behaviors (as the Grief Recovery Handbook terms it), though none of them (as yet) involve alcohol or drugs. I admit to having played a little too much Elder Scrolls Online (if you ever see a Khajit named Bahdzura, or a Redguard named Ydris Elba, or an Argonian named Cheers-For-All, you will have found me) because it worked so well as a numbing STERB.

I have not been able to concentrate on coding, so money hasn't been coming in. I have not been able to concentrate on sewing, so money hasn't been coming in. I have so many health needs (in particular, I need FMLA intermittent leave because of the PTSD from childhood abuse and now what appears to be something similar to PTSD from what I went through at Amazon) that companies reject me before the first interview.

Basically life is bad and I don't know when it's going to get better, if ever. Don't tell me that time heals all wounds, because there's a whole hell of a lot of wounds that childhood dealt me that have never healed.

I'm seeing a grief counselor in two weeks. I'm trying to hang on that long. I mean, I will. I just want the pain to stop.

Off Topic / Re: Happy birthday Justkitter & Airiel!
« on: May 21, 2015, 02:03:49 PM »
:hearts: Happy birthday to the both of you! :hearts:

Off Topic / Re: Sigh~ Why is this still bugging me?
« on: May 21, 2015, 12:42:56 PM »

Sometimes only time heals stuff like this, and sometimes not even that.

I generally find the only way to get on with life is to filter out the person. I think it's generally regarded as a huge step and social taboo on Facebook to unfriend people for any reason? But I think self sanity is a pretty good reason. If they want to have a level discussion with you about it they can; if they can't, best not to anyways.

Mind you, this doesn't stop me remembering the time when a military veteran told me that I should go home to my country (Vietnam). But I was born in the U.S. and up until then was pretty patriotic, so... yeah.

Off Topic / Re: Happy birthday Moonbreeze!
« on: May 17, 2015, 04:19:28 PM »
Happy birthday! :green: :hearts:

Introductions! / Re: Hello from Washington!
« on: May 17, 2015, 12:06:02 PM »
Hello, fellow Washington Stateian! (I don't think we have an official name.) Welcome to the forums!

Off Topic / Re: Anxiety/Depression Support Thread
« on: May 17, 2015, 10:34:18 AM »
I had such severe insomnia that nightly I had to take Ambien. This did not jibe well with being oncall at night, because it's hard to answer a 3am page after taking that stuff, and taking a "reset" night is not an option when you have to juggle complex coding tasks and meetings the next day.

I did find out later on that with Abilify (which nullifies my sometimes-disconnect with reality on waking and when the bad memories come) I no longer needed the Ambien and now sleep pretty regularly.

Monster Discussion / Re: Freak du Chic and Ghoul Fair
« on: May 15, 2015, 01:10:36 PM »
What the.... daughter of the Bean Si? I'm kind of impressed by that subtle name change! (I also love her boots)

Actual Celtic (I believe) spelling of Banshee from Irish mythology.
oh, I know, I just found it weird because her other releases have her just as "Daughter of the banshee". I actually like the change

It's a great change, agreed! :D

Off Topic / Re: FOR SCIENCE!
« on: May 15, 2015, 11:05:08 AM »
All this totally reminds me of this:

Off Topic / Re: Racist Anonymous Tumblr PM
« on: May 15, 2015, 10:16:26 AM »
Then Nelson Mandela became our first black president and he was an amazing man that did awesome things for our country. After him we have now slid into reverse racism where black people are now treating white people like (censored). I am generalising. But it is for the majority.


I would have never guessed that I'd read this word on this board.

Yeah. >_< Now I regret bringing this up because it's going to attract people who think "reverse racism" is not a hypocritical statement.

Maybe this thread should just be deleted/locked.

Trader Support / Re: Help w/ Amazon third party seller
« on: May 15, 2015, 08:59:37 AM »
I'm gonna guess bootleg. I've been horribly burned on this crap before. You can risk it of course and then call Amazon down upon them with wrath due to the Amazon A to Z policy which protects buyers.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Off Topic / Re: Happy birthday Rosierjay!!
« on: May 15, 2015, 08:04:39 AM »
Happy birthday! :green: :hearts:

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Monster Discussion / Re: Freak du Chic and Ghoul Fair
« on: May 14, 2015, 11:23:04 PM »
What the.... daughter of the Bean Si? I'm kind of impressed by that subtle name change! (I also love her boots)

Actual Celtic (I believe) spelling of Banshee from Irish mythology.

Off Topic / Re: Random Annoyances/Blethering Rants Thread
« on: May 14, 2015, 07:44:51 PM »
I had a test for glaucoma today, and my eyes are super tired now. It was like being forced to play a real annoying video game for 20 minutes. And then when it was over, she just said "We're done for the day," and told us how to get back out to the entrance. She didn't say anything about my results, tell me I'd be called about them, or tell us to make a follow-up appointment. I really didn't like her much, I really preferred the doctor I first saw for my eye check-up. Now I don't know what's going on, and even though I'm completely dreading it, I just want an answer or a diagnosis. I'm absolutely terrified of the thought that I might go blind one day. :(

I'm also dreading my appointment with the new woman who will be prescribing me my psych meds from now on. (My old doctor went on medical leave, and they don't think she's ever coming back. :( ) I have a sick feeling in my stomach that she's going to take me off the ativan I'm on right now. I don't even want to imagine what the withdrawal is going to be like. I'm really scared that I'll become suicidal and get admitted to a mental hospital again.

I'm such a mess. :(

:hugs: so many :hugs:

Off Topic / Re: Happy birthday Flutterswirl!
« on: May 14, 2015, 02:56:53 PM »
:green: Happy birthday! :green:

Clawdeen's Closet / Re: Custom Clown Dress!
« on: May 14, 2015, 01:13:06 AM »
This is incredibly adorable and shiny :D I love the use of the star buttons, it's hard to use those properly.

Clawdeen's Closet / Re: Recommendations?
« on: May 14, 2015, 12:59:31 AM »
Is hand-sewing a possibility for you, out of curiosity? That's how I assemble my clothing, simply because some things are too delicate. I also have a sewing machine I've yet to use :) but will probably mostly use it for spandex (since that can't be hand-sewn) and once I get a narrow hemmer foot, to hem doll kimonos and other long hems rather than by hand.

If you do choose the hand-sewn by self route, I recommend a modification of DGRequiem's kimono pattern, which is among the easiest to sew. The modifications look like they would make the pattern even simpler to sew, which is nice.

Off Topic / Re: What's for dinner?
« on: May 13, 2015, 11:47:07 PM »
A pack of 90-second rice and peanut sauce.

Customs / Re: My Custom Dolls
« on: May 13, 2015, 07:46:53 PM »
Very shiny! I wish Robecca had been shiny like this in her signature at least.

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 10