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Author Topic: Friend dissapeared  (Read 177 times)

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Offline xxnickiyxx

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Friend dissapeared
« on: April 21, 2016, 03:11:06 PM »

I'm currently looking for advicd, but first a little story time
About 5 years ago I met someone on tumblr who basically turned out to be my true soulmate. We shared everything; hobbies opinions, the whole bunch (she's the one who got me into eah and mh and she even got me 10 dolls for my bday). We shared everything and talked about 24/7. Now a while ago we've been going through a rough patch. I've just been diagnosed with autism and there were some misunderstandings about our relationship. So our talking got a little low-key. Which is something i was fine with because i know how important alone time can be.
But the few times we spoke she always said we were okay and besties, even if she dissapeared for weeks. But now I've hit a rock.
The last time we spoke was on march 23rd. On which she explained she'd been absent because she was working on her cosplays for her upcomming con. But she said we were fine and that she'd be back to normal after her con.
Except i haven't heard from her since. And by now I'm seriously sick with worry. And i don't know what to do anymore. I've send her multiple messages on facebook but she hasn't been online at all.
My parents very much hold a "Told you so, online friendships aren't meant to last. You're lucky you even lasted this long" point of view on the matter so i don't even know where to go anymore. I'd love to go to her place and check on her but since she lives in the us and i live in the Netherlands this is pretty much impossible. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't loose my best friend and it's stressing me out so much i feel sick. I just want to know if she's okay. But I've ran out of ways to contact her. She just means so much to me. I can't loose her.

I really don't know what to do or who to turn tho so i thought to ask for advice here. I'm sorry if it's in the wrong forum. I'm writing this right before going to bed so i won't be able to read any replies for a while but any advice is appreciated

Offline Melissa

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Re: Friend dissapeared
« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2016, 04:27:17 PM »
Unfortunately that's just how things go sometimes with friendships, whether they're online or not. I was best friends with the same two people for 12 years. When I moved away after college, I still stayed close with them for the first year. Then around the time I got engaged, both of them started acting weird. I asked both of them to be in my wedding...

One immediately said no because it conflicted with school. I was disappointed internally but I said to him "Well if you can make it I would still love to have you out there, if not I will see you when I come home in a few months." Never heard from him again.

The other was supposed to be my maid of honor and stopped talking to me 2 months before my wedding and hasn't said a word to me in the 2 years since (I did delete her and all 10 of her relatives I was Facebook friends with the day after my wedding but there are other ways she could have contacted me). (If you're really curious, I have a more detailed account here:,4493.msg103955.html)

As far as I know, they're both alive and totally fine. I never had any explanation from either of them why they stopped returning my calls and texts and even though it is still difficult 2 years later, I have developed much healthier and more mutual friendships with people out here in my new home so I can mostly say I've moved on.

It's possible that your friend just needs a break, too... Sometimes if you spend SO MUCH time talking to one person, it can be overwhelming.

In your situation, I would just send a message like "Hey, I'm thinking about you, hope you're okay." and leave it at that. Whether or not something has changed between you, there's not much you can do. If she is ill or needs space or is just busy... It's all totally on her. If you bombard her with messages she's way less likely to ever get back to you, in my opinion.

Offline beautiful_monster

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Re: Friend dissapeared
« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2016, 08:24:25 PM »
It's difficult, but if friends don't respond, that's a clear message that they don't /want/ to, which generally indicates that trying to pursue a friendship with them is a dead end.

It's better if they can say "I can't be your friend any more for whatever reason, thanks, see ya" but few people have the mettle to do that.

It's painful, though. I'd say cherish the good memories and move on. You CAN find another friend whom you'll be closely connected to. The world is a big place full of wonderful people.

Sometimes people do weird things for strange reasons. Grace is helpful here.

Offline xxnickiyxx

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Re: Friend dissapeared
« Reply #3 on: April 22, 2016, 01:42:11 AM »
Thank you for taking the time to read it and reply. I very much appreciate it.
And I know you're right that if she doesn't reply she probably just doesn't want to be my friend anymore. But what worries me most is that she hasn't been online at all. The last time this happened she had to move out of her home because of circumstances and even at her new place there have been issues with electricity and stuff.
I'm fine if she doesn't want to be friends anymore but I'm just so worried something might have happened to her which rendered her unable to make contact with me again.

That said making new friends is very hard for me, as I'm not a very outgoing an social person. And most of my old friends either just dumped me after I dropped out of school or shown a side of them that I don't want to be friends with. It's hard for me to approach people (even online) and even then I doubt there's someone that I share as much in common with as her. This is something we both had which made us even more close

Offline writtenhuman

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Re: Friend dissapeared
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2016, 04:09:57 PM »
If you're just worried about if she's ok, you could ask a mutual friend, and if they've heard from her recently just leave it at that.

I know I had an close friend that stopped talking to me, and I know they won't respond to any messages I send. I still check up on how they're doing on FB once in a while though, and the last time that I checked their profile had completely disappeared and it had me worried. I messaged a mutual friend and asked if they knew if that person was alright, they checked in on the guy since they were worried about it disappearing too, he was fine, and I didn't have to sit around worrying for the rest of forever.

 I would not recommend contacting mutual friends under any other circumstances, but if it's a matter of "did they actually die?" I think it's alright.